2012.11.02 18:33 ydntucmonovrvalkyrie agb
This is where anyone can ask the manly men for their opinions on various topics. Advice. AskReddit style questions. AMA. ELI5. Everything in between.
2013.03.12 05:41 dochobbes Ask Gay Men
If you have a question for gay men or men who have sex with men...well this would be a good place to ask it.
2008.07.10 00:26 Relationships
/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve.
2020.11.29 04:58 xSkadii AITA For forcing my boyfriend to tell his parents about me?
Hello everyone! So me and my boyfriend (Lets call him Jeff) are both in our 20s, both live with our parents, and are both gay men. He just got this new job about 1.5 hours from his house and we just signed a lease together for an apartment.
We're planning on moving into our new apartment together within the next month but his parents dont know about me. Jeff came out to his parents in the past (before us) but they basically sent him to conversion therapy and threatened to disown him if he ever acts on it. Jeff's parents are both conservative and religious and will hide his siblings from him.
They know hes moving but they assume he will be living alone. Heres where the problem comes in. Jeff's parents will be there when hes moving in so id basically have to hide or wait until they are done. Im not happy with that solution. My name is on the lease too and I dont want to hide myself from my own apartment. I want to experience moving in with him too.
Before we signed I told Jeff that he needs to tell his parents about us before our move in date or im not signing the lease. He agreed.
Hes really stressing right now and I know how hard this is for him. I feel like Im a bad guy here but I dont want to hide myself from moving into my own apartment. AITA?
Edit: his parents wont hurt him physically and they of course cant send him away to any therapy. Hes 22 and we pick up apartment keys this week.
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2020.11.29 04:52 PurpleAndGrace I need some comfort and input.
Hello everyone, I appreciate whoever takes the time to read this. I'm so confused to the point it physically hurts. I'm (23M) and ever since I was 9 I have wanted to be a female. I've always been fascinated with female toys, music, fashion etc. But the only started to noticed when I fell in love with my best friend at age 11, we've been close since we were babies. But I just felt something different with him. It took until Highschool to tell him my true feelings toward him. It was,,, different. He ignored me for a few weeks then we were back to being best friends. Still to this day many years later were best friends. But we've never discussed what I told him that night.
These urges to be a female has been getting stronger. And its odd. I'm not gay per say. The only guy I have loved would be my best friend. But I have buried that in the past and left it as "just friends" also, I have a 2 year old daughter. She is my entire world. I love her more than anything and she comes above all else but I just have this urge to be "free". I've tried looking into cross dressing, getting hormone therapy and shaping my body to be tone and sexy.
I've tried dating a transgender (mtf) but it just didn't work. She was to childish and treated our relationship like Highschool. Im just so lost. I know I'm a male, and I don't find males attractive (except my friend) but I have this deep desire to be a woman. I would love to date a MtF lady. But I'm also so ashamed. My family is very conservative. And my daughters mom would not approve of this. I just need advice. I want to be free. I want to feel like the woman I've wanted to be since I was 9 years old. But im scared of judgment. I'm scared of losing my daughter. I feel lost. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. I just needed to get this off my mind. If someone whose been in a similar situation, please reach out to. I'm willing to answer any questions you all my have. Anyway. Stay strong. Each and everyone of you are so strong and so beautiful. Thanks for reading. Happy holidays.
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2020.11.29 04:19 Amethyst_2543 Tf is my sexuality? :p [Rant]
Like I identified as demi for while but idek anymore, I feel like I may be bi and.. What's my gender identity? Am I just gay? What if I'm just straight!? Am I aro?? What if I'm pan? What if I'm overthinking this? How would I come out to my family? How do I know if they'd even accept me? We never talk about this stuff! Are they homophobic? What about my friends?? I've never even dated anyone, heck I've had one crush and it was a guy- but then, why do I find girls attractive too? Am I too young? What if I were bullied cause of my sexuality? JSJSSJJSJSJS
This Is so fricking annoying :P
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2020.11.29 03:47 ThrowRArakit I (21NBi) feel like my sister (16F) is hijacking my identity
Throwaway. My main account has a name in it people could recognize.
Hopefully this isn’t too out of place here; I’ve noticed most posts are about romantic relationships, but I scrolled a little bit and found some about familial and platonic relationships, so I’m hoping you’ll have some sound advice for me.
Right off the bat, I’m sure the title sounds super overdramatic and silly. But the truth is that I’m very on edge and have been since this dawned on me in the last couple of months. I’m hoping it’s an over-exaggeration.
Since my sister was old enough to walk and talk, the two of us have had a pretty bad relationship. We couldn’t get along about anything. It got to the point where I excluded her from basically every aspect of my life because I knew that if the two of us were in a room together, we’d have a fight. Looking back, I was kind of bully. She had a habit of stealing things from my brother and I and claiming that we’d handed them over voluntarily. You get it. The relationship was vitriolic.
Things didn’t really get better until I moved out for college a couple of years ago and we didn’t have to see each other every day. We started to engage on a more meaningful level, and with the distance, we were getting along well. Since then, I’ve often felt that my relationship with my sister was “saved” because of that, but lately, there have been newer complications.
In my freshman year of college I had my first severe bout of depression. I had suffered with depression and anxiety for my entire life, but it had never been so crippling, and I’d certainly never been suicidal. I lived like that for several months until I finally make a suicide plan. I chickened out before I could actually carry it out and I reached out for help. I still suffer with it with varying severity to this day.
This wasn’t something I really talked to my siblings about at first. It was embarrassing, for one thing, and I didn’t want to burden them with it. But over the summer I opened up a little, mostly to my sister. She knew a little and seemed surprised to hear how bad it had been. But she wasn’t super sympathetic. I figured it was because she was too young and had never experienced anything like it herself, so she just couldn’t relate. Then, after I moved out permanently at the end of that summer, I started noticing some things.
That same summer, I told my siblings I was an atheist. I also told them I’d realized I was bisexual, but that I felt really uncomfortable coming out about it as long as I had any financial dependence on my parents. Once I was out, I just wanted to do my thing instead of worrying about whether my financial security could suffer because of who I chose to date.
During the school semester, I stayed in communication with my sister, but things started to get weird. First, she started making complaints about her mental health. I don’t know what’s going on in anyone else’s head, so I accepted her word and tried to advise her based on my own experiences. She kept telling me she was depressed, but that was all she would say. She would pretty much just live life as normal—which doesn’t mean someone’s mental health is normal—and then complain about how unhappy she was. Then it progressed to her demanding therapists. This is so expensive and not affordable for our family that even when I was actively suicidal, we did not pay for a therapist. So things progressed to the point where she would basically express that “if I don’t get a therapist, I’ll kill myself”. Verbally, to everyone who would listen. And I guess it just hits... ingenuine? As in attention seeking rather than help seeking, I mean. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to dismiss her concern and I tried to help her when I could. But I grew to resent that every time we had a conversation and I mentioned something about my own feelings of depression, she’d spin it until it was about her. I quit talking about my mental health issues with her completely.
Then, she privately disclosed to me that she thought she might also be bisexual. This, I don’t resent. We were raised religious and it was extremely hard for me to admit to myself that I could be gay. I’m glad she didn’t go through that. But later, I found out that she’d also come out to some of our cousins... then off-handedly outed me to them as well. You know, “I’m bisexual and so is (deadname).” That little secret seemed less private and secure than it had been before.
This theme kind of repeated herself. As I grew older and learned how to think through issues more, I started engaging with political discourse with my family members. Coming from two different value systems, we didn’t agree very much, but it was fun for me. Out of the blue, my sister starts doing the same thing, and she agrees with me on literally everything. My parents got kind of upset with me because they basically felt that she was imitating the things I was saying without really understanding what they meant. Like I was purposely trying to radicalize her or something. Before that, I thought she was getting it from LeftTube or TikTok or something, but after they brought it up... it kind of made sense.
All of that could probably be chalked up to her following my example because, for some godforsaken reason, she looks up to me, but the last and most recent thing has really thrown me for a loop and honestly made me kind of angry.
Probably my greatest struggle since I was a very small kid have involved trying to fit in with other kids of the same sex and making friends in that same group because I just... didn’t want to be that. When we played games as a kid, I always pretended to be the opposite sex or an animal instead of being a little (assigned gender). I would literally have dreams about not being my assigned sex, and when I first started to struggle with maladaptive day-dreaming in high school, the character I took on was never an (assigned gender). They still aren’t.
I started to feel like garbage about certain parts of my body. I was revolted by them. They weren’t right. I didn’t understand why I had to be born that way, and why I couldn’t have been born in a different body. One that matched what I’d pretended to be as a kid, or what I’d daydreamed in high school and as an adult. I utilized some free mental health resources during college and this was one of the things my counselor helped me work through. It took a long time because I had a lot of internalized transphobia, but I finally admitted to myself that I was non-binary. About a year after I realized this, I came out to my sister.
She was very respectful. She asked for my name and my pronouns. She’s been faithful to use them. It was such a relief to know there was someone in my family I could trust with that part of my identity. But then things changed.
My sister had never in her life thought much about gender, and she told me as much when I first talked about being non-binary. But within a month of my coming out, she randomly told me she was thinking about using they/them pronouns. I’ll be honest, I was really thrown off and I didn’t reply to her right away. But I changed what pronouns I was using until she switched back to using she/her and calling herself a woman a week later. And it didn’t end there.
After I spoke to her about my gender identity and about transitioning, she started saying over and over that she wanted to “cut off her boobs”. Not like a reduction, but like top surgery. A lot like the pronouns thing, this threw me off, because this wasn’t something she’d mentioned before, ever. I asked her why and she basically told me it was because her boobs were too big. I talked to her a little bit about some of the serious consequences of FTM top surgery, even for people who don’t get it as part of a gender confirming process, because “boobs too big” is not a reason to get top surgery. But she’s kept on saying it.
So, whatever. I just quit talking about it. She’s a kid using hyperbolic language and that’s fine. Whatever she’s saying, it doesn’t impact my ability to transition.
A couple of months ago, we were having a conversation about our relationship with our parents. I made this offhand joke about how our parents are going to have to wait for grandkids until my brother decides if he wants any, because my parents have a (assigned gender) who’s not actually a (assigned gender), and hormones could wreck my fertility even if I wanted kids, and they have a daughter who doesn’t want them. We both laughed it off and then my sister replied that “they have two sons and a confused bean and another confused bean.”
Once again, I was thrown off and irritated. For one thing, I’m not confused about my identity. I know what I am, and it took a long time and a huge emotional toll to figure it out. I didn’t appreciate it. And I was also really frustrated when, later in the same conversation, she described herself as a woman, a bi women, X’s “girlfriend” and so on. I didn’t know what to say and I still don’t.
That incident bothered me so much that, as I’ve mulled over it for the last couple of months, it’s made me reflect on all these other times where huge changes have happened in my life, I tell her about it, and then she randomly starts doing/saying the same stuff, often without having any real understanding of what that stuff even is. It’s gotten to the point where I just don’t confide in her anymore because I genuinely think she’s just taking my lived experience and making it her own.
I’m sorry. That was long. But I’d like to hear what y’all think. Are my feelings valid? Is it possible that the behavior could be attention seeking, or something? And if that’s the case, how should I approach the topic with her? If you were in this situation, what would you do?
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2020.11.29 03:20 InfiniteThrowaway12 AITA for having a sense of humor with my friends that my boyfriend doesn't like?
Throwaway bc I cant keep track of emails
So I (23F) have a pretty out-there sense of humor when I'm hanging out with my friend group (mainly consisting of girls and gay boys who have boyfriends/are asexual) and it makes my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. For reference, think Game Grumps, where our humor ranges from "crackhead humor" to pop culture references to the odd and weird raunchy/sexual joke (never directed at anyone, it's mostly immature humor, again think Game Grumps).
Here's the problem, my boyfriend (24M), get's very uncomfortable with any jokes regarding sex or anything of the matter. Once I found this out I stopped making those types of jokes in front of him out of respect. But he insisted I stopped partaking in any weird, immature, sexual jokes with my friends while he's not there because "he doesn't feel good about his gf being sexual with other people" which I GREATLY disagree with. The way he words it makes me sound like I'm some easy flirt who doesn't respect our relationship, which I am not. They're literally just dumb potty humor 'haha penis' jokes (which I realize saying out loud to a bunch of strangers is extremely weird lol)
I agree with not forcing anything on anyone of they're uncomfortable which is why I try to never express that occasional humor around him (or around anyone who I'm not sure is okay with it tbh) but he insists that if I respect his wishes that I won't partake in that humor if it comes up while he's not around. We have had fights over it and he thinks it's bizarre that I'm defending something so weird to this extent, but I keep telling him that it's the principle. I really don't know what to do, I don't want to disrespect him but I also don't want to keep myself from having fun with my friends when those jokes sometimes come up, especially when I've been friends with them longer than I've been dating my boyfriend.
I don't make those jokes all the time, it's not my main form of humor and my bf knows that but, should I just suck it up and live without the immature humor? AITA?
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2020.11.29 03:04 ThrowRA474858 I’m a closeted lesbian who has sex with men.
Ok I was stupid and posted this on my main account 🤦🏼♀️ so I’m back with a throwaway. Sorry Mods!!
I’m 22 years old and have been questioning my sexuality since I was 12 years old. I’m on mobile, please forgive the format.
I grew up in a Christian household. My dad was pretty homophobic. He always told me I’d go to hell for being gay. And that he’d disown me. This was echoed all throughout my childhood. So I suppressed my attraction to women.
I would date men to prove to myself that I liked men. I never had a relationship last longer than a year. (NSFW WARNING) I also never enjoyed having sex with men. I thought that’s just how it was. I secretly watched lesbian ~videos~ to get the job done.
I have never dated a girl. I had a near death experience and my family became more accepting so I finally came out. I came out as pansexual in June 2020. I started talking to women (nothing sexual has happened yet) and I’ve never been happier.
After I stopped suppressing my attraction to women, I’ve completely lost any little interest in men that I had. The male ~body part~ makes me queasy. (Sorry guys) I look at a man I might have found attractive in the past and feel nothing. I get irritated when men I used to like in the past flirt with me.
I believe I like women and only women. It’s the only “label” that I feel right as. When I think about marrying a woman, I feel happy. I identify as a gay woman. Unfortunately no one knows.
I’ve tried talking to my friends and family, but they shut me down, claim I don’t know what I’m talking about, tell me I’m looking for attention. They tell me labels don’t matter, which I agree with! But they still do little things like try to hook me up with a guy or ask me my opinion of an attractive dude, and I don’t like that. I decided not to come out until ive hooked up with and dated a girl. But I know in my heart I’m the most happiest with a girl.
So here’s what I need to get off my chest, I still have sex with men.
I won’t lie. I’m insecure. I’m getting better, after realizing and accepting my sexuality, I’ve gained more confidence. But it’s hard having to hide it. I experience zero pleasure while hooking up with men. But it’s one of the few things that boosts my confidence. I don’t sleep around, but I am polyamorous and have a few non serious partners. (Not relationship wise, sex only. Kinda like friends with benefits) When they ask to hookup I don’t say no. Part of me doesn’t want people suspecting me because I don’t want to feel judged by my friends and family again. But it’s also because I’m insecure and want the self esteem boost.
Lately I’ve been giving the guys excuses. I did just have a near death experience so I’ve been using that. I haven’t done anything since before covid hit. At this point I’m grossed out by Hetero sex. Maybe I won’t ever hook up with a man again. I’d be really proud of myself. I hope my friends and family will understand one day that I’m not looking for attention. I will say, finally letting myself like women has felt so liberating, and I’m so happy. Thank you for reading :)
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2020.11.29 03:03 megan8789 What do you think is happening in my brain! (TW: self-harm, suicide, EDs)
Hi dudes! My name is Meg, I’m a 20 y/o cis female. This will be a very long, fragmented description of myself.
I’ve always felt there is something wrong with me, since turning 11. Age 7 to 11, I secretly watched a lot of porn, played porn games, some hentai and lots of lesbian stuff, and I was very ashamed and secretive about it, as I was raised in a very religious Mormon family, and I knew it was “wrong” way back then from the conversations in church and w/ family. I had a quite financially stable family, as far as I could tell. My dad is a computer engineer working at the same company for 25 years, and he seems kinda into appearances, I feel pressure to be attractive from him. My mom is pretty cheerful, just slightly overweight (overweight is beautiful imo) but we don’t vibe sometimes.
My life has greatly been involved involuntarily with the Mormon church, going to meetings twice a week and my default friends were usually Mormon until high school, where my friends were instead the angsty, stylish & gay kids. I had a mostly normal childhood, played lots of open-ended video games like Minecraft, Sims, Animal Crossing, Spore, etc. and sometimes Zelda or anything i could get my hands on.
I have always felt quite ugly. I feel very wrong in my body. I love feeling desired in a possibly concerning way, like by the older mentally unstable men & women where i work or sketchy dudes and ladies or random people. I like trans and nonbinary people, they are attractive to me, not sure why. I also like unique-seeming individuals, that’s probably part of it. I am bisexual or pan or whatever.
I often really want to eat so much and get lost in the sexy food. Food sometimes feels like the most alluring thing in the world and nothing else seems very fun compared to it. I attempt to try new things, or go out and do stuff but most things are quite unenjoyable to me, i feel this general discontent and “aghhh” feeling in me, like this irritation in my sternum. This feeling is almost always there, and it drives my consistent desire to cut myself deeply on my arms and legs, cutting words into them, phrases like “end me” or “FUCK,” and I get violent images or desires in my head for someone to chop me head into pieces or brutally smash it with a hammer or throw me off a cliff onto a highway below or violently destroy me in any way, I guess I just feel pain in my head and body and i want it destroyed.
I often feel lonely and consumed by these feelings, and empty, and I just want to fill the holes with food which I purge. I’ve been in eating recovery centers for bulimia. I sometimes hate the thought of people seeing my body or face and it makes it very hard to get out of bed, and I have been obsessed with the idea of plastic surgery to the point of selling my body to older men (I stopped that and tested negatively for STDs, phew). The thought of gaining fat around my jawline or stomach makes me absolutely terrified and like the world would implode. I love going to the gym to gain muscle. I have a crush (a nonbinary lesbian my age at my Mormon school, goes by they/them) and we’ve hung out one-on-one for like 24 hours in all (like 7 dates) but I feel like I’m obsessed with them and taking on all their interests and thinking about them causes me anxiety because I think I need to be doing this or that or watching this or learning that so I can talk to my crush about it.
I am like a blank template because there is like nothing that I’m very interested in because i just don’t enjoy much of anything, like I don’t enjoy watching tv or movies or playing games or doing hobbies or drawing or cooking, everything just makes me want to die lowkey. I am obviously dramatic in my head. I think I’m impulsive, and compulsive when it comes to feeling the need to exercise or purge or eat a ton or cut. I am often dangerous when it comes to driving or running alone at night outside and recently I’ve started shoplifting a little. I HATE spending money, like any money. I also eat out of the trash sometimes, because I have no gross factor except with morally disgusting things like rape or murder, and I like to try new foods and “build a strong immune system,” and I’m just obsessed with food and a despicable human being, haha...
I have a job at a mental hospital where I take care of middle aged and older people by helping serve meals or change their briefs or supplying them with a myriad of needs and i like it, sometimes a lot. I’ve had a lot of dumb small jobs in the past that lasted less than three months but this one seems to be lasting longer, unless I decide I hate it as well, but I don’t think I will for awhile. I like being at the service of people who make me feel less lonely in feeling not neurotypical, and I like moving around a lot. I might become a nurse in the future. Thinking about my future career options has often been a humongous cause of stress in my life.
I am trying to hang out more with my two closest friends besides my crush, which hanging with my crush has sparked this because I really don’t want my crush to be my only friend, sounds hella unhealthy, had a relationship like that at age 15 (another nonbinary lesbian) and haven’t had a relationship since. Otherwise, before these last few months, besides a few temporary people my age who lived nearby just because I needed someone, my parents have been my only close confidants by default, which is immature because I don’t like them very much sometimes, and I can be explosive around them because I get this anger that doesn’t come from anywhere and sometimes won’t seem to go away around them. I am the youngest of four, and act like it when we’re all together, like an angsty teenager although I’m 20.
I live in Provo, Utah because I was recently going to BYU, a Mormon school. From age 17-19, I became very conservative in every way and obsessed with the church and praying 24/7 in my head, so I chose to go to the “Lord’s school.” It’s been hard to find a community though now that I’ve become an Agnostic atheist, surrounded by a lot of conservative people with modest outfits who are almost all lovely and kind people but I don’t feel like I vibe with them, and I think this feeling of being “unique” or whatever is a negative thing because it just makes me feel lonely. I have gone through phases of trying to fit in with “normal” or success-oriented or clean-cut and popular people.
I do feel a cavity in me now that I feel God doesn’t exist as I thought God did, and idk how to fill this spiritual void. I try to learn about new age spirituality or witchcraft or any unorganized religion, but it’s so hard to pay attention while learning about it, and maybe I just need organized so I can get more ritual practices and a sense of spiritual community.
I do like to learn, anything about other humans and how they feel. I love the Knowledge Project podcast, I love slam poetry, I like volunteering to figure out what I’m good at and pass the time “productively.” love podcasts and reading nonfiction and sometimes fiction to get lost in a world, helps the sadness a lot.
I have tried many different medications to no avail (besides Prozac from age 13-15, and Pristiq from 17-19) and I have a therapist but the therapy sessions never feel long enough.
Other random things: I can be very goofy and happy, and I sometimes have a pretty sarcastic, random or wholesome sense of humor, depending on my mood/who I’m with. My past therapist tested me with this comprehensive general test and I was like 2 points away from being on the autism spectrum, 1-60 is neurotypical, 60-100 was autistic, and I was 58. I also got high scores in depression, ADHD, a tendency for anorexia, and I was extremely “feminine” on a feminine/masculine scale.
That was a ton of information so I’ll be surprised if anyone reads or answers.
What are your thoughts? What do you think is happening in my head? Thank you SO MUCH to anyone who read this!
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2020.11.29 02:41 SnooSuggestions5009 Part of the obsession?
Does anyone else find someone on social media and want to find out if they’re gay or not? Like if I see someone through insta or Facebook I try to stalk to see if they are dating someone of the same sex or not. I feel relieved when they have a partner of the opposite sex. When it’s someone of the same sex I kinda panic a little and feel itchy? Does anyone else do this?
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2020.11.29 02:37 daddiescoochie How do I be bi?
It's a real dumb question, but one that I'm not finding any answers on google for.
I (28f) came out to my husband and several friends this year. It felt awesome to say and accept this new identity publicly, but now what? Do I go hit on girls? How do I hit on girls? Where does one go to meet other queer people during a pandemic?
Most of my inner circle are all straight, and I'm not really looking to date anyone romantically (married), so tinder is not really an option. I'm just looking to make friends with other queer people so when lockdown 2.0 lifts, I'll have someone besides my husband to go to gay bars with. How do I do this?
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2020.11.29 02:34 halloeinszweidrei I think I'm straight but I'm in always in a cycle of what I think I am
I started suspecting that I'm bi over 5 years ago. Back when I first thought I was, I was 11 years old and truly believed that I was bi. When I was 12, I came out and my sister said I was too young to know. When I told my mom and her then-boyfriend, I was questioned and I was told not to go around saying I'm gay. In my head, I was basically like "I'm bi, not gay but I get your point". When I got a bit older, I thought that it was a phase that I went through.
I temporarily thought I was bi at 13 but ended up identifying as straight for a while. When I was 14 and still identified as straight, a classmate told me that they always thought I was bi and I got a bit freaked out, thinking, "How did you know that I used to identify that way?" Another classmate of mine who was very homophobic (they ended up dating someone of the same gender, talk about extreme internalized homophobia and irony) ended up talking about how so many people were identifying as bi and said that if another person was bi, that they'd slap them. My first thought, despite identifying as straight was, "Well, slap me then".
Plus, I've spent a lot of time taking online quizzes to test my sexual orientation (when I say a lot, I mean I've done quizzes for at least one or two years, if not three).
Here are a couple of stories from when I was a kid: Back when I was in grade 4, I talked about this one Japanese girl all the time. I even made a Mii character of her on a Wii console. She decided to give people chopsticks and after I got mine, I ended up sleeping with them underneath my pillow until they snapped. I either had a crush on her or just looked up to her (to be fair, she did teach us about Japan and I like facts. It did make me go through a phase when I was obsessed with Japan). During the summer before I entered grade 5, I decided to make up a rule. I told myself to not grow up to be gay but to accept others if they are. I managed to think of a disadvantage of being gay and it was that not everybody would accept me if I was.
submitted by halloeinszweidrei
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2020.11.29 02:30 UmWellOkayIGuess Please help me
So I came out to my family and friends two years ago and it wasn’t going well so I full on went “nvm I’m straight” and took it all back in a moment of fear. I wrecked a relationship and am sort of having a mental breakdown, yes two years later, idk man, I have problems ok
So for context, I’m a senior in high school and I live with my grandparents (they’re my guardians). Also I’m lesbian
What happened was, I first told my best friend I was bi (that’s what I was coming out as that’s what I thought at the time, I was still figuring stuff out). She just had the sort of non-reaction where they don’t say it to your face but you know they think it’s weird but she didn’t say anything good or bad really. I told a couple of my other friends and they didn’t really care (which is good, I didn’t want people to care). So by this point I was openly talking to a girl, since all my friends knew (I was already talking to her before because I already knew she was bi so I was more comfortable to tell her)
So then I was like well everything’s going ok I could just tell my grandparents, so I did. My grandpa said basically nothing and even to this day I don’t know what he actually thought. But my grandma made absolutely sure I knew she wasn’t homophobic and said she had gay friends so she wouldn’t be (although I’ve never see or heard of these gay friends she speaks of but whatever). Either way I was like ok this is going ok she says she’s not homophobic. But then she was like “I just know that you’re not gay because I would’ve known” like no you wouldn’t have? Because I never told you. But she was absolutely convinced that I was just confused or I didn’t know what I was talking about. She would also say I couldn’t bi because that doesn’t exist (Which yeah I’m actually not bi it turns out but fuck you bi people exist). Then my best friend who was over my house a lot would hear her bring that stuff up out of nowhere sometimes and just start agreeing?? Then it became a really bad situation where I was no longer allowed to see my friends outside of school except for the one that agreed with them because I might be off doing gay things with them and there would be daily verbal abuse from my grandma (I don’t use that phrase lightly I don’t wanna repeat some of the things this “not homophobic” lady said). Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I was just like you know what whatever fine I’m straight are you happy? And then it was several months of I told you sos and gloating and even today I get laughed at once in a while when someone goes “remember when (me) used to be gay?”
And I’m still pissed at myself because like a week after I hopped back into the closet (both in and out of school cuz my friend was bringing it up in front of people all the time in school) the girl I was talking to asked me out officially. She wasn’t in my friend group and I hadn’t told her what was going on (I know I know, communication). I was scared people would find out if I started dating her so I told her the same lie as everyone else, that it turns out I’m straight. And she obviously knew I was lying because I’m not that good of an actor that I could fake having feelings for someone that well for that long.
I’m sorry this is so long but basically this has been getting to me a lot lately and I want to come out so bad because I’m honestly just sick of everything but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want everything to turn out the same way again.
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2020.11.29 02:16 WizzardShark Bisexual Slang/Slurs through the Ages
I'm looking for as many words as possible, flattering or not, in whatever language you know them in.
Also like real slang words that have been used in history not random as terms made up on tumblr 3 years ago (don't give me that doe/tomecat nonsense)
Uranodionings - Bisexual
Horatian - Bisexual man
Gillette Blade -Woman who cuts both ways, bisexual woman
Double-Gaited - Bisexual
AC/DC - Bisexual
Swings both ways - Bisexual
Switch Hitter - Bisexual
Fence Sitter - Bisexual
LUG, BUG, Saysbian, Fauxbian, Beersexual, Yestergay - The implication that a bisexual dating the opposite gender is not formerly gay/lesbian and no longer bi/lesbian/gay.
3 beer queer - bi but only if they're drunk.
Unicorn - A bi woman who wants to fuck both parts of a straight couple, exclusively, only together, and with no jealously or serious attachment.
Ambisexterous - Bisexual
Bicycle - Bisexual
Eats fish and meat (European Spanish) - Bisexual
Double-barreled shotgun (several Slavic/Eastern European countries) - Bisexual
Of fur and feathers (French) - Bisexual
Dual Wielding (Japanese) - Bisexual
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2020.11.29 01:37 Sea8792 Gay or Aromantic?
15M. I do have a gay fetish but probably would never date anyone. But then again I am young, maybe I just don’t have the hormones or have met the right person yet.
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2020.11.29 01:18 imjasonbeck Covid era dating after losing 60lbs
Hey guys, 20 yo gay male here I guess I don't have a question, looking more for advice Just for some background, I'm 20 years old and I went up and down with my weight in highschool but then I really started to gain weight my senior year and the years following. I have always struggled with body image issues... As you can imagine, I didn't hook up/ date during that time... and I've never really even had a serious relationship. Starting in January (2020) I began my lifestyle transformation. I decided to change my diet, begin a workout routine, and went back to therapy to deal with my mental health. I even quit my job in food service industry and got a job at a bank where make double what what I used to. As of today, I have lost the over 60lbs and I do feel quite a bit better about myself. Just for some reference, I'm 20 years old, white, 5'10" with brown hair, a beard, broad shoulders and generally more "masc." I do workout and lift weights so I have pretty nice legs, and my arms and chest are shaping up fairly well too. I do have a bit of a belly that I'm trying to get rid of, so I struggle with that mentally. I have recently decided to download the usual hookup/dating apps. I haven't met up with anyone, but I definitely get WAYYYY more attention than I ever have.... And I'm not really used to it tbh. I'm looking for something more serious and I've chatted with a few different really cute guys, for extended periods of time, but I've never followed through even when I can tell they are interested in me. Part of it is because.... There's an ongoing global pandemic and cases are spiking im the US. I would really like to meet up with someone but I already have social anxiety and the pandemic has added another layer to that. I guess I'm just wondering how I could go about this in a safe responsible manner, I don't want to be meeting up with lots of guys. There is also part of it is me being a self conscious, insecure, piece of shit. There is part of me that says I'm still that overweight and unhappy person. Then theres the part that says I am enough and I bring enough to the table. Sadly, it seems the earlier one is the one that keeps getting in the way. I really want to believe all these cute, funny, nice, fit guys are into me.... But I always seem to convince myself they aren't.
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2020.11.29 01:16 Admirable_Steak_8418 Feelin kinda shitty, M 20
Pretty much all of my friends don't like me anymore. This all started about half a year ago when I was dating a girl and went to a party without her. While I was there I had a nonconsensual encounter with her gay best friend, not like sex or anything but I was fondled and was too drunk to push the guy off me. I was honestly super embarrassed at the time so I kept quiet and didn't say anything, still haven't. (This will be important later)
Fast-forward 3 months and the girlfriend I had cheats on me with another guy, big sad. I broke up with her obviously and was pretty hurt at the time but am mostly over it now. 2 months or so after the guy at the party (who is still friends with my now ex) tells her that me and him had sex that one night. After that, she basically told all her friends and my friends, and now they've all distanced themselves from me so I only talk to a couple of people now. I've denied everything but no one believes me :/. Now all our friends are mad because they think I cheated on my ex first and then made her feel shitty about cheating on me.
What do I do to fix this? If I try to tell people the truth I don't even know if anyone would believe me, but I'm losing a bunch of my closest friends and it sucks. The gay kid blocked me on everything so I can't talk to him and I have no idea why he did what he did. I also don't understand why everyone is starting to dislike me, I feel like there's information I'm missing but no one will talk to me when I ask them? I decided to write this post cause earlier today I went to a store and as soon as I walked in a group of kids I know looked at me and immediately left, one of them I thought was my best friend too. I know it would be easier to just move on and make new friends but I'm stuck in my hometown cause corona. Any suggestions on how to clear my name/figure out how to stop them from disliking me?
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2020.11.29 00:11 its-comdy-gold Exploring my sexuality further
Hello I would first like to start by saying this is my first post to this sub so sorry if I mess up. I (14) m currently identifies as gay but I still have attraction to both females and everybody else I am currently dating a MTF trans woman and I love her so much but I’ve already come out as gay to my friends and family if anybody has advice or anything to help I would very much appreciate it
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2020.11.29 00:02 ChickenTendiesForAll LGB and Left Wing Ideology
Not counting the social issues such as previous resistance to gay marriage by the right, what exactly is it that makes so many LGBs so far left wing? It’s something that I’ve never quite understood and drives me insane when discussing dating pools. If they’re not full on Marxist/communist they are definitely left of center in almost all instances.
Why do you think this is?
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2020.11.28 23:54 DansabotYT The Forest
I wish I could forget this. I really do. But I can't. This happened a year ago. This happened when I was a senior in highschool. Alright let's start.
It was 5pm on a Friday. I had been watching netflix on my computer. Then all of a sudden my phone started buzzing like hell. I checked it. Just my friend, John. All it said was; I found a cool hiking spot. Want to go together?, next one, Oooooh! It says it's also a haunted place!.
At the time I didn't believe in ghosts. So, I said yes. So did all my friends on our group chat. Sounds great! I thought.
I wish I hadn't said yes.
I grabbed branch cutters, a flashlight, some matches, water and a granola bar. I grabbed my dad's keys and told him I'd be out for a few hours, hiking with friends. My dad always thought of me as a responsible kid, so he let me borrow his car and hang out with friends often.
When we all got there, I was surprised that the whole forest had a chain link fence surrounding it. As soon as we walked up to the chain link fence door thing, it started pouring, thunder shocked the ground, lightning came down like the rain! At this point I was a little uneasy, but we still continued on. I cut the chain locking the door closed and walked through. Wind started blowing, the rain got heavier, the thunder got louder, the lightning got brighter. We all got a little more uneasy. As we kept walking I started to hear whispers. At first I heard a faint help. Then a more clear help. Then a STOP. Then a GO BACK. Then something that I will never forget. As clear as a bell in my ear, “go 70 feet west, then 50 feet south west. You will find me” I new that voice
My mind told me to follow those directions. I told my friends to follow me. I lead the way. As soon as we got there my hands started shaking, my knees grow weak, vomit dripped from my mouth. It was a corpse. A dead, mutilated, corpse. Right before I fainted my friend John grabbed me. Everyone else's mouths grew wide, Drew, (another one of my friends,) screamed! John called 911, as police swarmed around the area.
I sat in the ambulance as to my horror they found, three, long, deep scratches. The paramedics stitched me up, as the police asked me how I found it. I (of course) didn't tell the cops about the voice that told me where, (I'm just guessing) its own body was.
The body belonged to Jake Smith, the local high school's famed quarterback. I had known him pretty well, but he had asked me out on a date. And (I'm gay) didn't want to peruse anything like that. I thought to myself that he had told me where his body was, because he trusted that I would know that voice. I remember after hearing that breaking out into tears. No hearing that and the fact that he had his heart removed, his arms and legs removed and, HIS FACE. HIS FACE. HIS FUCKING FACE REMOVED!
After that I drove my friends and I back to my house. We ordered pizza and watched a movie.
The reason I'm now writing this story down is because 1 month ago, I had been home alone in my room and saw the faint apparition of a short haired, blond teenager in a letterman. The apparition mouthed, ‘Im sorry.’ Then it just disappeared. I wasn't scared. I knew who it was.
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2020.11.28 23:26 Paxton_The_Saxton Holy heck I just had my first kiss
Welp, as my title just said, a thing happened. So basically, we’ve been dating for a month and a half at this point and this is our first time dating for both of us. Basically, I accidentally kissed her on the mouth once, then we had to go downstairs to eat dinner. After dinner, we watched a movie and cuddled 😊 I was looking at her more than watching the movie tho. I was staring at her cute face; I really wanted to kiss her,,,,so I did. Then I got really emotional and apologized because I should’ve asked hehe. She smiled, said that it was okay, and kissed me🥰 I love her so muchhhhhhhh kekdjcnffncjxj -A Gay Disaster
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2020.11.28 22:38 xickennoogit Parents (53F/55M) found out my sister (15F) is gay. Help?
I'll try to explain as best as I can. For the longest time, my parents and I have butted heads so as soon as I turned 18 I moved out and never looked back. I can recall countless times of me eating absolutely nothing and still refuse to ask my parents for help. Now that I'm in a better place, I've gotten very close to my sisters since I'm their source of comfort or help when the family issues start to get too much.
I've known my sisters have both been gay. One sister, we'll call A, introduced me to her girlfriend early this year. While my other sister, we'll call B, has shown me her past girlfriends. (Dating is hard for both since we have hard-core asian parents who are very strict) not even mentioning the gay part. I love them both the same and usually take them out for ice cream when they get heartbroken. It's part of the teen experience.
Problem is, B spent Thanksgiving at her dad's place and got busted when her dad snooped through her phone. Her dad found videos of her smoking weed (it's legal in our state and unfortunately teens do have access to this) and found videos of her kissing girls. All hell broke loose and now my sister A called me frantically crying, saying she can never come out of the closet with how everything is unraveling.
So far, my mom is still speaking to sister B and her dad while my dad spoke to sister A. Nothing has yet been told to me other than what I said above. I know it's only a matter of time until both parents are knocking at my door and wanting to talk (more like yell) at me. Any advice on how I can handle this?
Tl;dr: Both of my sisters are gay. One sister was forced out of the closet. Now my parents might confront me about this. Concerned about both their mental and emotional being.
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2020.11.28 22:34 mtlblockboy My Testimony
tl;dr = prodigal son To be clear:
This testimony is not about me, not for my own reputation or glory or my own notoriety. It is to hopefully turn some of you reading this towards salvation through Jesus Christ, our Lord and saviour, who came in the flesh as a human being 2000 years ago (approx.) and laid down his life as a propitiation for the sins of all mankind via Roman crucifixion. He rose again 3 days after his death, in so doing conquering death and Satan and permitting mankind to access salvation via belief in Him as God and His resurrection. He ascended to heaven where he is seated at the right hand of God and will return to earth in the future at an unknown date to judge mankind. SECTION 1: BORN AND RAISED ––– 1995 - 2012
I came to know Jesus as a little boy. From the earliest time I can recall, back in preschool, Jesus was always a part of my life. I remember making a craft where we took a rock (representing Jesus) and wrote ‘the way, the truth, and the life’ on it (Jesus describes himself as this in a passage from the Gospels) and I still have it in my childhood bedroom). I loved Sunday School and I loved reading the Bible and bible stories as a little boy.
I vaguely recall the moment I ‘accepted Jesus into my heart’. I was in the backseat of the car and I asked my mom how to become a Christian (at about 4 to 5 years old) … and she explained to me I had to believe in Jesus and accept him into my heart. And I tried my hardest to do that! My mom later told me that she teared up at that moment because she could just tell that I genuinely had put my faith in Jesus at such a young age and had become a Christian at that moment.
I took my faith very seriously. I attended a small church where I was a member of the worship band. I was quite involved and listened attentively at every sermon. I like to believe for my age I had a pretty solid grasp of the theology being discussed. I was interested, I cared. Over the course of a year or two while I was about 13 to 14, I read the entire Bible cover to cover. All throughout growing up from what I can remember, I made sure to read at least one chapter of the Bible every night and I prayed morning and night.
So how the heck did I end up turning away from my faith?
Factor A: Fear of Not Being Cool
While I was on exchange in France in Grade 11, it really hurt me how the kids there made fun of me for being Christian. I remember one night, we were sitting at a bar having shooters and these kids I had just met were literally mocking me to my face for just believe in Jesus. I brushed it off at the time, but it really wounded me and made me not want to be Christian. Being a teenager, I just really wanted to fit in and be cool so I started to try to hide my faith as much as I could and keep it private, lest others find out and ridicule me.
I was not cool in high school. Heading off to [college], I saw it as a fresh start and was determined to make cool friends and be cool. Cool cool cool. How on earth was I going to be cool if people found out I was some weird Christian Jesus freak? So, I made the choice to just abandon Christianity altogether and pretend that I never was Christian (unfortunately, my plans failed anyways and even dropping Christianity could not make me cool – I remained a reject LOL)
Factor B: Seeds of Doubt
I remember when I was like 16… these doubts started to creep into my mind as if spoken into my head by someone –– previously my faith was very strong, but I started to hear questions in my head like: Is God reeeeaaaally real? Why does God allow bad things happen to good people? Why does God allow some people to be saved and others not? How could a loving God allow that to happen to his creation? Why would God create people just destroy them?
Satan himself putting those questions in my mind – he loves nothing more than ripping Christian kids away from their faith and dragging their souls down to hell SECTION 2: WAYWARD – CHILD –– 2012 - 2020
When I graduated high school, I was happy. Had good relationships with family and friends I had. Was very successful academically. I was a happy kid.
Fast forward to 25 years old where my life has turned into a dark, decrepit, depressed charade
Ever since I made the worst decision of my life at 16 to leave the church and to leave Jesus, pretty soon I spiralled into depression in my first semester of university. It NEVER went away. I had moments of happiness, sure, but they were momentary. The sense of alienation and loneliness pervaded every aspect of my life. And the worst thing was the fatigue that came with it. I made the poor choice of beginning to take prescription stimulants (starting with methylphenidate and working my way up to amphetamines) to address my energy issues.
You know those gray days where everything just feels kind of bleh? That was what every day felt like to me. There was no joy in being with people, and EVERYTHING felt like a task, like a checkbox. Going through the motions. A performance. Like I said above, a charade. My medical school colleagues will be familiar with the SIGECAPS mnemonic for depression – I hit every one of those except suicidal ideation, thank the Lord.
Sin. It started with dipping my toes in its murky water. Then turned into full immersion into behaviours that would nearly destroy me. You name it, I did it. My medical school classmates will recall my issues with binge drinking. Partying. Tons of casual sex. All the ‘bad behaviours’.
But the two sins that dominated my life in recent years were:
Stimulants nearly ended my life. I pretended to be OK for years every day in medical school while battling abuse of prescription stimulants. I needed them just to get through the day. I would spend 95% of my day thinking about where I was going to get my next pill. You couldn’t see them but believe me I was in chains to this addiction. I am so grateful to God to be free from this and I am crying as I type this.
Hardcore gay porn. Multiple times a day. Sometimes even for hours at a time. I couldn’t stop. Could not stop. Even for unreligious people the use would qualify as beyond problematic. It was destroying my mind. Rotting my brain. I shudder when I think of the untold weeks (if you add up the hours) I lost to this destructive habit that, too, had me in chains.
That’s the thing about sin. It…. controls you. You think you are in control but you’re not. Sin. Addiction. ‘A rose by any other name’…
But worse than these behavioural things, was the kind of person I turned into. My character, or lack thereof…
Dishonesty: I turned into a pathological liar, a fundamentally dishonest, deceptive person. I intentionally deceived people, sometimes even in academic settings.
Selfishness: All I thought about all day long was myself and my problems. I couldn’t pry my mind off of me me me me me me me me me.
I was just generally a bad person. I would volunteer pretending to care about stuff only doing it for the ulterior motive of medical school applications. I would pretend to care about causes I never thought about outside of observed settings for my own clout. Truly a pathological, sick, messed up kid. Basically, I turned into a charlatan masquerading as a good person when on the inside I was a rotting corpse, morally. I lied so much I deceived MYSELF into believing I was a good person. I mocked Christianity and ridiculed Christians, even mocking my own mother for her strong convictions.
And I had insight into how amoral I was! I was AWARE that I had something wrong with me and that I needed to fix myself. I tried doing behavioural therapy on myself, refusing to believe that the problem could be I stopped believing in God. Hint – it didn’t work. God was made up, obviously. How could a made-up figure possibly help me? SECTION 3: “Have you guys seen ___’s Instagram story???” ¬¬–– FALL 2019
In fall 2019, I started taking an antidepressant (superimposed on chronic stimulant abuse). My mood quickly became elated. Too happy. Too good. Towards the 6-8 week mark of my antidepressant course I started to experience psychotic phenomena. I can go into all of the details later if you are interested, but it all culminated the week of October 16, 2019 (the date I was hospitalized).
I can’t exactly remember what symptoms came first, but I remember one night not being able to sleep and turning on the TV just before 3 AM. And there were music videos playing and to me, the singers weren’t looking into a camera they were looking through the screen into my eyes. Then at 3 AM exactly this scary music video came on and freaked me out. I interpreted this to be a call to some kind of religious mission. I had a meeting a student health professional who tried to direct me to the psychiatric emergency, but I am clever and even in my manic state I managed to talk my way out of it. Later that day, I went to a lecture, when the clock struck 3:00 PM exactly the entire room transfigured before my eyes. The lecturer turned into a dark satanic figure with pitch black eyes. His voice became unnaturally low and demonic. I was horrified. The lecture slides seemed to be altered and full of obvious mistakes and no one around me seemed to notice. I had no idea what was going on and I was amazed as all around me everyone was glued to their laptops and did not notice this Satanic figure in the room. I had to get out of the room, so I STORMED out of the room fearing for my life. Outside in the hospital always, the world had transfigured into this apocalyptic scene. Everyone’s face was dejected, and they seemed to be suffering. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I, unfortunately, decided to visit a supervisor from work right at that moment where my lunacy was exposed. I later went home and misinterpreted a passage from the Bible to mean that [city] would be destroyed within a few hours and if I wanted to live… I had to get to [neighbouring hometown]! (completely insane)
I got in my car and sped to [hometown] at a demonic pace. At one point, a police officer turned on their lights behind me to pull me over – but I knew better, this was Satan disguised as a cop car! I would not be fooled –– so I floored it to 200 kph going down the highway to [hometown]. A few minutes later, the cop car disappeared in my rearview mirror. Did I hallucinate it? I have no idea. It is a ******miracle****** I did not kill anyone or myself that night. Going down [highway], I have lost all my memory of that portion of the drive. I don’t know what happened. I have fragmentary memories of a ripping down the shoulder of the road at like 130 kph and swerving at the last possible second to avoid crashing into 4 construction workers – I have this image emblazoned in my mind of these young guys bracing for impact knowing they were going to die and my car somehow swerving around them defying the laws of physics.
I showed up at my childhood home where my dad and brother were preparing to catch me and bring me to the hospital, appropriately. Unfortunately, in that state, I started hallucinating and saw their faces become red and demonic looking and realized this was not my dad and brother but were imposters that had taken over their bodies. So, I physically assaulted them, believing they were trying to murder me and I needed to fight for my life. I’ve never hit anyone in my life.
You don’t need all the details, but within a few hours I was in the psychiatric emerg. and the next day on the psych ward. My delusions were many and shifted quickly. I thought the psychiatric ward was heaven at one point. At several points I thought I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I can’t even remember them all. A few things I do remember were:
a. quickly meeting a man who said he had been waiting for my arrival, and who somehow knew that I had a 98% high school average and went to [my medical school] without me being able to discern how he would know that –– he claimed God revealed this information to him and that God had put him in the hospital in order for him to meet me. Over the course of the two weeks preceding my admission, the religious overtones led me back to faith in the existence of Christ but not Christianity per se. This man helped turn me back to the Bible and redirect my behaviours and attitudes to realign with Christian ones.
b. There was this elderly man who could barely speak English who I would play checkers with. One day, he passed me a sheet of paper he had been doing a drawing on and asked me to sign it. It was titled, “The End of the World”.
c. the end of my stay on the psych ward, it felt like I was being given a series of instructions to complete from a supernatural source. It culminated in one day, me sitting down to have a conversation with an elderly man on the ward. I know he wasn’t God, obviously, but the things he said to me in that moment seemed to be as if God were speaking to me. He said: “I knew you would figure it out eventually, [my name]” I shuddered with fear. I can’t remember everything he exactly said, but basically he confronted me about how dishonest I was as a person, and kindly explained to me that living a more honest life was not hard to do. I don’t care whether or not it was just a coincidence or not, as far as I was concerned, those words hit me as from a divine source.
And innumerable other weird occurences that seemed like some kind of message to me. All the messages to the effect of “change your life, young man” “turn away from sin” “repent” etc
(The doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia, if you’re wondering. I don’t have that, LOL)
I was ‘psychotic’ for a solid month after I was admitted to the hospital and they took me off stimulants which is how they diagnosed me with bipolar – as stimulant-induced psychosis should clear much earlier than that. I remember going to the movies with my dad and had this ominous premonition telling me no! don’t go see that movie! To the point where I almost asked dad to see a different movie ¬¬–– but recovering psych patient __[me]__ told himself, “don’t be insane, it’s just a movie, it can’t hurt you” – so I went. The movie was Parasite. From the very first word in the movie, I was convinced that every single word of the script on the screen was a message directed to me. It seemed to be saying to me in code words that I had been chosen to go on some mission to spread the gospel to a lot of people. I was paralyzed with fear by how real it seemed that God was speaking to me through the screen. When I went home, my bed was made perfectly, and it had been messier earlier that day. I immediately thought it could be supernatural, but my dad is a hard-boiled atheist and laughed it off, but he could never explain why it was made either. SECTION 4: WAFFLING
Basically, since that hospitalization, I waffled back and forth between wanting to be Christian and turning away from it back to my old habits of drugs, porn, dishonesty, etc. This past fall, the alternation got faster and faster back and forth, and I started to feel this sense of disorganization and confusion. Like I couldn’t control my thoughts. This sense of internal chaos. I felt like I was losing control of myself. Like I couldn’t predict my own behaviour. I grew anxious over how quickly I would change my modus operandi and struggled with not being able to control my future decisions.
The sins intensified as a ‘coping mechanism’. The porn thing got super intense and messed up until a few weeks ago. One day, I came across this picture of myself as a little boy and I started bawling, imagining if that little boy could see his future self now… and the pathetic piece of s**t he had turned into. This bright-eyed, happy little boy had turned into a sick loser.
I started crying and could feel Jesus calling. God had more in store for that bright-eyed little boy than what I had allowed my life to become.
I knew I had two choices: continue to devolve into degeneracy and lead a meaningless life serving Satan or turn back to Christ and save myself from the bottomless pit of despair I was digging myself into. In spurts of Holy Spirit-inspired action, I made the necessary changes in my life. I threw out all my sex paraphernalia. Just threw it out. Done with it. Took my last Adderall last Friday –– for my whole life, so help me God. Then I pushed through a major barrier in my new-found faith –– fear of evaluation of others. Last Thursday, I witnessed about my faith to the physicians with addictions group I have to phone into every month. The testimony poured out of me emotionally as if I didn’t even have to think of the words, as if they were being said for me. I could tell that the Holy Spirit was acting in me to spread the good news and I felt this transcendent sense of joy that I’ve never felt in my life. That I’d never known from anything before. This sense of accomplishment and having done something for God’s kingdom. An elation I’d never knew was possible. SECTION 5: FREE
I knew that in that moment I had finally attained salvation. No more waffling back and forth between sort of Christian and sort of not. Committing to Christ. Not going back across the dotted line this time, ever again. Now, I am sure that I am ‘saved’, as they say, for once and for all.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. And NOT because I was on drugs. And I NEVER have trouble sleeping. Temptations came to sin once again after I had just made such a substantial step in my faith –– I phoned my mom and we prayed against demons and Satan and immediately a peace came to me. And the most amazing thing happened. I saw angels flying around me in my bedroom glittering in gold with wings and tiny halos.
After this transformative experience, through reading scripture and what psychiatrists would call delusions of reference –– it became apparent to me that I needed to face my fears of rejection and ridicule by peers and share my faith with everyone I knew. Basically, I was convinced God was instructing me to share my faith.
And every time I have shared my faith this past week the joy within me has grown and my sense of confidence has grown in parallel. Not a confidence so much in my own worth but in the fact that I am doing something useful for God’s kingdom.
I believe I am free from sin. Temptation has only come to me once since I found true salvation. It is no longer a daily battle where every day it’s 50/50 whether I cave to sin or not. The compulsion is no longer there. I’m not attached to sin anymore. Literally.
Satan fought hard for my soul but in the end Christ won. Christ always wins. If I can be saved (I intentionally omitted some of the details of the bad things I’ve done over the years to protect my career), you definitely can as well! 99% of you reading this will think I’m crazy but I am hoping even just 1% of you reading this will consider whether there is something more to life than what we see every day, and that maybe there is something that comes after we die.
Matthew 16:24-26 –– “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains” the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”
I will leave you with my favorite Mariah lyrics that build me up whenever other people break me down:
They can say,
Anything they want to say
Try to bring me down, but I will not
Allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me,
And they can try
Hard to make me feel that I
Don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe or lose faith in my dreams
There's a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me
They can do
Anything they want to you
If you let them in
But they won't ever win
If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside,
I have learned
There's an inner peace I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
Oh I won't be afraid and the darkness will fade
There's light in me me
That shines brightly, yes
They can try
But they can't take that away from me
They can't take this
Precious love I'll always have inside me,
Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go
They can say
Anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily sailing out of their reach
Although they do try
Hard to make me feel that I,
Don't matter at all,
But I refuse to fall,
Tell me what I believe or lose faith in my dreams
'Cause there's a light in me
That shines brightly yes
Can’t Take That Away (Mariah’s Theme)
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2020.11.28 22:33 ifirae I have a girlfriend, finally
It's so unusual to me still but also so more amazing than I ever could have imagined with any man- Since we started dating, it's also really cleared things up for me.
There's no toxicity, I don't fear sex... It's just so natural, and way more comfortable. I am well aware we are in the honey moon stage, but everything is just so fun.
No way in hell could I go near a man again- She considers herself a lesbian, but in terms of attraction to men, I'm even 'gayer' than she is!
There's still some things I need to work on- I have some issues with sex related trauma I need to get past, and I still sometimes get scared of being gay. There's nothing more terrifying to me than telling a (socially distanced 🥴) room of straight men that I have a girlfriend- Cue "oh that's sweet," or "is this a new stage, haha?"
But overall, it's bloody brilliant.
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